Sonja Morgan is the most outspoken “keeper of secrets” you’ll find anywhere. The Real Housewives of New York City star is easily one of the chattiest Bravo personalities, and that’s saying something. So when Decider popped by the Bravo offices to chat with Morgan, she sure had a lot to say about the ladies’ recent trip to Miami, how you can tell if you’re maybe allergic to a man’s sperm (or just latex), and her favorite, and really the truest, line out of Bethenny’s mouth this season.

Decider: I love watching you when you’re drunk. Do you like watching yourself when you’re drunk?

Sonja Morgan: It’s 50/50. We have my dedicated followers who love seeing me doing well and not going off the rails and keeping it together. Honestly, even if I go out and party with the girls and go off the rails, they know it’s because I’m safe, and we have paramedics and ambulances and policemen and blood tests to back that shit up. It’s a calculated shitfaced move. But I don’t do it in an irresponsible way, if I have to get up early [for the show] or do an appearance or be with my daughter. So you have to plan those moments as best as you can. Having said that, Miami wasn’t the most friendly place for falls. But I know how to fall, I know how to take a fall. You saw that in the previous season with the horses. My family is known for taking falls really well. We grew up riding horses, skiing, snowmobile riding, all that kind of stuff. We’re daredevils.

It’s a special talent. 

I’ve gotten away with a lot. That’s another thing I always like to say, I land on my feet. That thing with the clown [at the Big Apple Circus], I had to do two somersaults because the first one I didn’t have momentum to get up. I forgot about the heels. I had a stretchy Sonja Morgan New York dress with fabulous sequins. I have a girlfriend in Paris she says, ‘Darling, no matter how much you spend on a sequin dress, I don’t care if it’s $10,000, the sequins fall off.’ Because I was complaining about when I was buying these other brands that were $200-300 dollars, the sequins fall off! They always fall off. But that particular Sonja Morgan dress and another one I have, they don’t! It’s amazing.

So you can do many somersaults in one.

Listen, if I can get a year out of a sequin dress, or two, and wear it once or twice, I’m happy.

If I can get a good night out and the inside of my arm isn’t —  

Rash! The underarm rash! That is like every sequin dress! You get the underarm rash!

They should figure out something so that maybe they’re softer underneath.

I’m gonna tell Zang Toy, all our Bravo fans who are designers, I’m gonna say, ‘You should put a panel of soft velvet right where the arms are.’ Mark Bouwer I think does that. Well, if you go to my gay parties on the show they’re all there! All those designers.

I wanted to ask you about what we’ve seen in Miami, the accusations of being on pills and acting manic, all that stuff. Did those bother you? 

[It was] only Luann! And I didn’t appreciate Luann throwing her bombs on me. All her freshly acquired knowledge from her AA meetings, and her sharing and gathering all this information from others. I went to a meeting with her, you see that in the clips coming up. They share a lot, and it’s a lot to take in. I’m very sensitive, but I’m very sensitive to Luann especially. I am the keeper of her secrets. I don’t appreciate her projecting on me all the stuff she’s learning. It doesn’t apply! I’ve been saying for many, many years and I thought I’d proved that to not only her but all my friends and all my viewers, that if I just wanna sip wine for a year I can do that. I had to do a full pull-back because it wasn’t enough. I needed to do that for my daughter and for my businesses. Not for me. Because honey, if I weren’t on TV I would just continue to go out and party and do whatever. I’m that kind of person. And so now, after we went to Mexico with Bethenny, I partied. I just didn’t realize Miami was gonna be so bad on rum. Five rums in a row. I didn’t know what was in the welcome drink! I assumed it was tequila or I thought it was vodka, which I’m used to. And that’s another thing! When a drink is colored, like blue, forget it. Welcome drinks have a lot of sugar, which is something I learned to avoid, and then also when you put the rum, you have to be careful if you don’t drink it regularly, and I don’t.

Ramona’s rum guy pointed out to me, you have to be careful which level and type of rum you drink. There are clear rums, there are brown rums, there’s Captain Morgan rum. A distant relative! My friend, not as close as some of my relatives, and a damn pirate. Yeah, so that was a whoopsie for sure. But my friends were there for me: Bethenny was there, and Ramona, and Tinsley was right there. Because she’s known me for a long time and she was saying, ‘Sonja’s eccentric. Alcohol and Sonja is propane,’ essentially. Barbara was siding with Luann a little, which annoyed the shit out of me. Because I had Barbara’s back the whole time, and she was siding to Luann to the extent of anything, ‘Luann is queen bee, she’s so right about anything.’ I saw her siding with Luann on that little bit, like ‘Oh, well we do worry about SONJA.’ SONJA. That’s S-A-W-N-Y-A. And when I’m feeling affectionate with Luann I love that she has a different pronunciation. But not in this moment.

Is there one of the women – minus Lu – that you like to watch when they’re drunk?

Drunk Tinsley is a doll. When Tinsley drinks she may flash her T and A, you’ll have to tune in to see if that happens. I love tipsy Bethenny, because she lets me stick my tongue in her face. And she dances on top of the bed.

Is it a compliment for you that these women go after all the guys that you’ve already been with?

At first I was saying, ‘I don’t care that Ramona was with’…what’s his name? Harry Dubious? The thing is, I’m more upset with Harry because he’s always proclaimed his love for me. We did date for real, and we broke up over his cheating, his Peter Pan ways. He comes to me again after his divorce to Aviva, which was after we dated ages ago, and says, ‘Oh I’ve changed,’ and then asks me on a family vacation and then offers the same vacation to Ramona within the same week. I’m just mostly disappointed with him because I do love him. I guess it bothered me more than I realized that Ramona thought she could piss on that hydrant. I sucked it up for Luann [and Tom] because she was so desperate to walk down that aisle, the way she’s gotta do cabaret every day. She’s the manic one. Don’t project mania. I’m like this all the time. Why don’t you look in your own backyard? So Luann gets on the carousel and can’t get off. Right now it’s the cabaret carousel, and I’m glad she’s doing that. The cabaret is good for her, it’s a creative outlet. And she can be around drinking, so when she plays victim, don’t pay attention to that. Her triggers are emotional issues, not people drinking around her. But yeah, I didn’t appreciate her going with Tom, deep down. But I sucked it up for her well-being, because I thought, ‘Well if she really loves Tom, and they’re so great together.’ I didn’t see it happening, but I wanted to preserve my relationship with Luann.

You didn’t want to make a habit out of it.

Well, girl, what does Bethenny say? Hos before bros. Harry’s been sidelined for a while for that reason, and the fact that Ramona would suck face with him…I love drunk dancing Ramona, I don’t like drunk prancing around Ramona.

You mentioned something recently, you said that you were maybe allergic to Harry’s sperm. How did you find that out?

A woman should always use a condom. Especially with someone like Harry, who gets around. I’m not saying he’s not a gentleman and a nice person, because I do love him down inside. But if some sperm happens to get on your inner thigh, and it’s red, you could be allergic. But also you could be allergic to latex. So I guess I was just mad at Harry. I do that sometimes, blame the person instead of the latex.

Of these women, is there one that you would trust to set you up with someone?

Bethenny seems pretty good at that. She’s tried a couple of guys. They weren’t exactly right, but they were smart guys. I like smart guys. You know Ramona’s into a washboard and a good looking guy with a full head of hair. I like a guy that I can talk to breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and knows how to turn on his hearing aid, and to turn it off when I get going. I’m a doer, I get things done. I can run an empire. Too bad Bethenny wouldn’t marry me, that would be perfect. I would have her so comfortable. Oh, how her garden would grow.

It’s fun to watch you and Dorinda together, what do you think is the key to your friendship? 

I’m glad you could see that side of me and Dorinda, because the minute I met her — first of all, I already knew her through a really good friend, her best friend Heather from London. So Ramona got us off on a very bad start in the Hamptons. When things are very good she has to rock the boat. It’s her upbringing, let’s just blame that again. Then there’s a lot of pot-stirring when people get jealous about who’s jelling and who’s not. I think we’ve gotten over that. Now that [Dorinda] is not so close to Luann we had time to spend time together. I saw both sides of the relationship, I felt really bad. [Luann] really was hurt, you didn’t get to see it like I did behind the scenes as the keeper of the secrets. And Dorinda was hurt too, but their egos. Dorinda’s so Sagittarius like me, she’s very passionate and she’s very forgiving. She really tried to jump the hoops for Lu. But Lu’s very stubborn. She doesn’t want to see what doesn’t reflect well on her. Period. So the fact that I went out with Tom, for instance, didn’t exist.

Do you think that someone should’ve brought art back for Ramona? 

Oh, the art. Fashion would’ve been the first thing to bring for Ramona. She always looks great, I’m teasing. I tease Ramona like a sister. I can say anything to her and she’s not hurt by it. She knows I’m a wacko. So is she. We’re both sick fucks. But we care about each other deeply even though we annoy each other.

What was that question? No, because…if you flooze, you lose. I love that from Bethenny. She needed to be with us. Ramona can go to any rooftop bar and see any of her seventy guys on her speed dial. Because she doesn’t even know their names, okay. She knows, ‘This one has a boat, this one lives in Westchester, this one is good looking.’ They all have hair. ‘And this one is standing in front of a plane, I don’t know if he owns it, it could just be somebody else’s plane, we haven’t found out yet.’ So, no. You don’t do that, so she doesn’t get the art. That was the best line of the season, when Bethenny says, ‘You flooze, you lose.’

That was a real nice bathtub in that house in Miami, I didn’t know if you were really going to pee in there. 

Oh, when I got tipsy in the tub? I like to shock. I can’t shock Ramona anymore because she used to be a prude and now she’s wild. I get in the tub and I’m looking at Tinsley, what can I say to her? ‘I’m gonna pee in the tub!’ She’s like ‘Aaaaah!’ I was waiting for something to really freak her out. I wasn’t gonna pee in the tub. If anything, I’d have to pee through my pants because I couldn’t get them down. But did you see the dance move before? The swivel of the hips? I’m not sure what I do sometimes in bed, because that was a good move. Just when I thought I was a lazy heterosexual bottom, I was like ‘Hoo girl! This chasty still has some fire!’ I was like ‘Woo! The girl has moves!’

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9pm ET/PT on Bravo.