Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 9 is Going To Be Messier Than Ever
Let’s get messy. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season 9 premieres this Tuesday, February 12 at 9/8c, and according to every housewife in a wig and lashes featured in Bravo’s promotional videos (all of them), it’s going to be the wildest, most unpredictable, drama-filled and Prozac-fueled season yet. This article is like a glass of champagne tossed directly into your face. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Where we left off
Last season ended with Dorit’s “bikinis, espadrilles, and acrylics” Beverly Beach fashion show, thirstiest woman alive Faye Resnick redoing Kyle Richards' home (Can you imagine how many diffusers are in that home right now? And how often she brought up Nicole Simpson while placing them?), Erika Jayne’s book becoming an NYT bestseller and Lisa Vanderpump asking Pandora’s box to open and pop out some kids.
Then came the THREE-PART reunion where everyone arrived as the most unhinged versions of themselves. Highlights include Dorit, who wore every bobby pin you’ve ever lost; the Lisas, in full glitter bodycon dresses; and Teddy(bear) cosplaying as a relatable down-to-Earth non-Mellencamp in a white dress and beach waves. Other than that, the reunion was uneventful. Kyle and LVP don’t like each other, Lisa Rinna owns it all, and don’t put words in Erika Jayne’s mouth.
What happened in between
Puppygate, ya’ll! Dorit adopted a puppy and P.K. didn’t want it anymore so they returned it, supposedly because its behavioral issues didn’t make for a good fit with the family. Obviously, this didn’t sit well with LVP, Binky Boo, Jinxy, tiny horse, the six swans, and the rest of Vanderpump’s Arc. Dorit’s “adopt and drop” made niche headlines and, like all good RH plot points, someone is leaking stories to the press (Let’s be honest: just Page Six.)
Kyle made amends with sister Kathie Hilton after she created a show about their traumatic childhood and then refused to acknowledge she did exactly that. Third sister
Kourtney Kim is still, well, Kim- blurry selfies and a blurry life. From social media it looks like all three sisters have made up. Shockingly Kyle’s TV show was canceled so that might be what mended the strained relationship.
Erika Jayne went on tour, launched a Too Faced beauty line, and seems like she’s doing amazing, sweetie.
Teddy also seems to be doing great. Her Instagram solely features pictures of her kids, throwbacks with her husband, and dramatic weight loss pictures of other people. It’s just like mine sans the children, happy marriage, and dedication to living a healthy lifestyle.
Meet the new players…
She’s the only official new member of RHOBH Season 9 but a few other familiar faces will be back. We’ve heard quite a bunch from the former Bond girl. From previews, we know that she just got married and does not have a good relationship with Kim. We also now have two Lisas and two Richards. (Do white people have other names?)
The only question I truly have surrounding Denise Richards relates to how early in the season will Lisa Rinna bring up Charlie Sheen? And will she compare Charlie Sheen to Kim Richards during the season or at the reunion? I’m on the edge of my shabby chic couch.
Camille Grammer is back in all her OG white woman wasted dancing glory. All we know from the previews is that she’s getting married in Hawaii and stans Brett Kavanaugh. That’s all I need to know about this woman to pass all the judgment. She will probably say terrible things she regrets all season long and write long blogs apologizing for them. *Bookmarks Bravo’s Beverly Hill’s blog page now.*
Look what the rescue cat dragged in. After Brandi ’s final season smear campaign against LVP, the President of Frenemy town is back, to... “advise” Denise Richards on all things Beverly Hills. Beyond enabling Kim Richards, I’m not quite sure what Brandi will be up to this season. She’s made amends with LeAnn Rhimes, isn’t drinking green juice and shit, has already said the C-word, so I really don’t know what she brings to the casual backyard BBQ table.
The Kavanaugh Episode
The LAST people in the world I want talking about the current political climate are rich drunk white ladies. TBH, I’m very nervous about this episode. Not that I take any stock in anything these women say, but just for the fallout and those cast members who are all about to be on the wrong side of history with 52% of their fellows.
“Keep Dr. Blasey Ford’s name out ya mouth" - Erika Jayne, hopefully, in a catsuit.
will whisper sweet nothings into a horse’s ears.
Ken and Kyle fight
The hologram of a former man named Ken Vanderpump will fight with Kyle Richards at what looks like SUR, Pump, or TomTom. *Grabs fried goat cheese balls * I love when Ken fights with people. It’s drunk-nana explosive energy and I’m ready for the season 9 version. Get those white pants in a bunch, Ken!
“New house, new show, new clothes, but still the same old Kyle.”
“My heart may be big but my new closets are bigger.”
“I’m the center of promos now! Take that, Kathy and Kim.”
“I have full custody of my kids and the Ferrari.”
“Charlie’s addiction might be cocaine, but mine is shopping.”
“My accent is real, just like my love for animals and my black AMEX card.”
“Tom Tom is having two-for-one-cocktails, darling.”
“Brought to you by ShoeDazzle.”
“I’m an enigma, wrapped in a riddle and cash.” (A real tagline that I hope she brings back.)
“We say “Hola, como estas?! in Connecticut and to our help.”
“PK darling, I want a divorce.”
“Dance like no one's watching or like you’ve had fifteen drinks.”
“ I own IT, and four homes.”
“My last name is Mellencamp and that’s why I’m here. ”
“The only thing that’s thicc about me now, is my bank account.”
Drink every time….
- Kyle wears a kaftan
- Faye Resnick evokes the name of Lisa Simpson to prove a point
- Kyle says her show was “inspired” by her childhood instead of “based on”
- Lisa Rinna dances
- Lisa Rinna brings up someone’s addiction
- The group orders hard alcohol before noon
- Denise Richards talks about being a movie star like she was an actual movie star
- Erika Jayne appropriates black culture
- LVP pets an animal
- We get a crossover episode with a RHONY or RHOA
- Someone doesn’t get invited to a dinner party and takes a call on speakerphone in a clothing boutique
- Dorit is late
- Kyle’s youngest daughter takes acting lessons
- Someone says they don’t remember but they really do remember
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