Somebody come get Sam Smith. He is out here doing the absolute most and I am just beside myself. On an episode of What What Happens Live! the soulful singer somehow managed to not spontaneously combust while in the presence of preeminent diva and certified legend Ms. Patti Labelle. But then he let loose with one of the most outrageous moments on the notoriously wild show.
Sam was on to promote his excellent new album, The Thrill of It All, and Ms. Patti was on because she goes wherever she wants and does whatever she pleases. Andy made sure to ask her about the viral video of her flipping out while singing "This Christmas" in 1996 and Ms. Patti, diva deity that she is, told him that she had no recollection of the event at all. She I don't know her'd herself! Iconic!
As it usually the case with the Andy Cohen talk show, the banter was a pleasant mix of revealing Q&A and absolute hotness.
The latter category raced to the front of the line when a caller asked Sam what his Real Housewives tagline would be. After a little prompting, Sam replied, in total serious, "I'm a dick monster."
Honestly, I'm still in shock. I clutched every pearl in the ocean. Sam Smith said "I'm a dick monster" in front of Ms. Patti Labelle and somehow the building is still standing. Will wonders never cease.
Patti, for her part, looked equal parts shocked and concerned, which is the perfect response.
Here's the clip in full, in case you enjoy the experience of feeling embarrassed on behalf of literally everyone.
There's nothing wrong with being a, ahem, dick monster, of course. You may prefer another term, like bulge boogeyman, or sausage savage, or a colossus of co - Sorry, nope. Can't do it. I, like Patti, am wearing my holiest wine-colored bob and I can't be out her talking about mythical boner beasts and where to find them.
Honestly, I'm just flustered. "I'm a dick monster" isn't even a RH tagline. It's just, like, a testimony. A Real Housewives tagline in this mold would be "I may be a dick monster but I don't live under the bed." Or "They say I'm a dick monster cuz I like to scare up a good time." Or ::bites peach, mumbles something about Call Me By Your Name::
You get the gist.
I could go on.
That's what he said.
This is too much. I have to go pray about this.
A dick monster. In this economy?
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.